Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
