New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
we're so committed to being not committed
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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