just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
