Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
