singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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