I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
