i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
