I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
