I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
