hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
there is glitter all over my balls
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
