I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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