She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
