I cannot find my penis.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
