I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
