I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
