I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
