I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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