The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Princesses don't give blow jobs
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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