So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
