This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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