I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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