mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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