i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
