just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
