make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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