I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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