I will die if light touches me.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
