A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
