maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
this just has baby written all over it
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
pop tarts are not kleenex
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
