it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
