somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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