Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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