if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
