I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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