Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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