Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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