Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
