omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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