You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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