my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
