we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
