I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
