I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Randomize
