Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
