I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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