I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
