my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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