Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
