I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
