Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm at about main and main street
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
