good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
